IN:
It is hard to believe the size of my home now. The light inside is amazing I can read without a problem. It feels safe inside. I don’t have to worry about anyone walking up undetected, Satan has grown into an outstanding watchdog. We have a bond now, he is my compadre. Time is broken up by my trips into town. At least once a week, sometimes twice. I am accepted now it seems as the local bum. No one hassles me anymore. I can travel around in my own world. Sometimes I smile within thinking of the troops with whom I worked, I know the search is still on. The Boss is wondering if I am somewhere writing memoires to expose the black ops of the Company. On the outside, has he defected! They have a constant fear of that. Losing control drives them berserk. I have no desire to air OUR dirty laundry and will not. I just want to be left alone.
Out:
Friday, February 20, 2009
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
IN:
Working steady with nice weather we have the start of a nice cave home. It is big enough already for Satan and I to move around without bumping into one another. We still cook outside on the stone stove. The goat is widening our living area outside the caves. It is becoming a nice courtyard, with the stove being the center piece. We gathered some blooms to decorate, the first time we have been able to do that. I have ordered some books at the School Special’s shop down town. A girl named Brittany usually waits on me. I still cannot make eye contact with anyone, I keep trying to analyze. I don’t feel as depressed as I was. I am actually beginning to feel pretty good.
OUT
Working steady with nice weather we have the start of a nice cave home. It is big enough already for Satan and I to move around without bumping into one another. We still cook outside on the stone stove. The goat is widening our living area outside the caves. It is becoming a nice courtyard, with the stove being the center piece. We gathered some blooms to decorate, the first time we have been able to do that. I have ordered some books at the School Special’s shop down town. A girl named Brittany usually waits on me. I still cannot make eye contact with anyone, I keep trying to analyze. I don’t feel as depressed as I was. I am actually beginning to feel pretty good.
OUT
Friday, February 13, 2009
visit
IN:
I visited Father O’Shields yesterday. I love talking with him. A logical man. It doesn’t seem to bother him that I am not Catholic; I don’t feel I am anything right now. Just a floating soul. I feel better talking to him. He gladly accepts the butter and cheese we have extra. I hate for it to go to waste. He tries to cheer me up. He tells me he knows I am in a depression (he is able to think clinically). But he says if I keep seeking, something will shock, or ease me out of it. Trying to force it, as medically taught, doesn’t work too well according to Dr. O’shields. Yeah he has a doctorate also, I never thought of Fathers having a doctorate. He tries to get me into deep discussions, I can tell. He laughs and says he knows what I am doing. A visit with him does me good. I haven’t asked what he thinks about the boys and my deep attraction to them. Maybe one day.
OUT:
I visited Father O’Shields yesterday. I love talking with him. A logical man. It doesn’t seem to bother him that I am not Catholic; I don’t feel I am anything right now. Just a floating soul. I feel better talking to him. He gladly accepts the butter and cheese we have extra. I hate for it to go to waste. He tries to cheer me up. He tells me he knows I am in a depression (he is able to think clinically). But he says if I keep seeking, something will shock, or ease me out of it. Trying to force it, as medically taught, doesn’t work too well according to Dr. O’shields. Yeah he has a doctorate also, I never thought of Fathers having a doctorate. He tries to get me into deep discussions, I can tell. He laughs and says he knows what I am doing. A visit with him does me good. I haven’t asked what he thinks about the boys and my deep attraction to them. Maybe one day.
OUT:
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
ok is is not spring, however...
IN:
Well I see by the date on my Grocery list this is still February. Isn’t this the month for Valentines’? I thought it was already Spring. The trees are budding around here. I think there a lot of dogwoods here. They will be pretty soon I am sure.
The word Valentine brings back some memories. I have never been married, always too busy. Looking back, no wonder I was such a good student, I was dedicated. No girl was going to stop me from reaching daddy’s goal for me.
There were a couple. One at Duke that set my heart on fire, but graduate studies would not allow me the luxury. I settled for the new Corvette from dad. He was so pleased with my doctorate, I was too. But after, I felt so hollow. She went on to marry a classmate. I went to the wedding and wished her well, but I think of her often. But bury yourself in work and you reach the top, and I did. You know what you hear; it is lonely at the top. It really is, if you do not have someone to share it with. Believe me dad’s do not count. I did not stay long on top. I had a friend, don’t we all. He went with the Company. Yeah we talked, I quit. Dad was pissed, to say the least. But I disappeared. Man was that the life.. wow.
OUT:
Well I see by the date on my Grocery list this is still February. Isn’t this the month for Valentines’? I thought it was already Spring. The trees are budding around here. I think there a lot of dogwoods here. They will be pretty soon I am sure.
The word Valentine brings back some memories. I have never been married, always too busy. Looking back, no wonder I was such a good student, I was dedicated. No girl was going to stop me from reaching daddy’s goal for me.
There were a couple. One at Duke that set my heart on fire, but graduate studies would not allow me the luxury. I settled for the new Corvette from dad. He was so pleased with my doctorate, I was too. But after, I felt so hollow. She went on to marry a classmate. I went to the wedding and wished her well, but I think of her often. But bury yourself in work and you reach the top, and I did. You know what you hear; it is lonely at the top. It really is, if you do not have someone to share it with. Believe me dad’s do not count. I did not stay long on top. I had a friend, don’t we all. He went with the Company. Yeah we talked, I quit. Dad was pissed, to say the least. But I disappeared. Man was that the life.. wow.
OUT:
Sunday, February 8, 2009
IN:
Sun is out, we finally figured how to put light in the cave. Well I guess I did, but Satan seemed to approve. I call it light tunnels. I bought a couple rolls of aluminum foil. hollowed two small cave-lettes just large enought to reach in and line the openings with foil. Amazing, it about like day light.
Spring must do something for SAtan also, his wounds are healed completely and he is turning into a wonderful friend. His training continues, he is an excellent watch dog. I was born with what some say was a silver spoon in my mouth, nothing pays for losing your mom though at an early age. I think this is a contest to see if I can make it. I know I am in a deep depressison, any GP could tell that. Seems I am up some days and down others. I can't figure why I am drawn to the boys so much. It is not a thrill to watch them, more like labor. Maybe this is how poor kids live, facing danger and do not know it. I expect they will be through the woods more now that the weather is breaking.
OUT:
Sun is out, we finally figured how to put light in the cave. Well I guess I did, but Satan seemed to approve. I call it light tunnels. I bought a couple rolls of aluminum foil. hollowed two small cave-lettes just large enought to reach in and line the openings with foil. Amazing, it about like day light.
Spring must do something for SAtan also, his wounds are healed completely and he is turning into a wonderful friend. His training continues, he is an excellent watch dog. I was born with what some say was a silver spoon in my mouth, nothing pays for losing your mom though at an early age. I think this is a contest to see if I can make it. I know I am in a deep depressison, any GP could tell that. Seems I am up some days and down others. I can't figure why I am drawn to the boys so much. It is not a thrill to watch them, more like labor. Maybe this is how poor kids live, facing danger and do not know it. I expect they will be through the woods more now that the weather is breaking.
OUT:
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Cold again
IN
Not too much to report, I still have the blahs. No sense in using medical terms, I think that is what I am avoiding. It is hard to follow blindly if you have a high intelligent quotient. I am not bragging but my IQ is off the scale, but that doesn't stop depression. I felt so locked in, my life was ordered for 24 hrs. a day. And losing it at the wrong time did not help a bit. You know, sometimes you just do not want to answer questions. I did all I could do, I thought at the time, but did I? I can't get away from that question. Was it the best I could do?
Something silly just occured to my mind, I wonder it one of the drivers in NASCAR who comes in second, loses sleep asking did he do his best. Silly, just wondered. I guess I will never ask one.
We are digging a little on the living cave, but it has turned cold again. At least I don't worry about the kids dropping by to disturb me, or endanger themselves. I think I told you I named dog, Satan. He is learning as he heals from his own injuries. I wish mine were that simple.
OUT
Not too much to report, I still have the blahs. No sense in using medical terms, I think that is what I am avoiding. It is hard to follow blindly if you have a high intelligent quotient. I am not bragging but my IQ is off the scale, but that doesn't stop depression. I felt so locked in, my life was ordered for 24 hrs. a day. And losing it at the wrong time did not help a bit. You know, sometimes you just do not want to answer questions. I did all I could do, I thought at the time, but did I? I can't get away from that question. Was it the best I could do?
Something silly just occured to my mind, I wonder it one of the drivers in NASCAR who comes in second, loses sleep asking did he do his best. Silly, just wondered. I guess I will never ask one.
We are digging a little on the living cave, but it has turned cold again. At least I don't worry about the kids dropping by to disturb me, or endanger themselves. I think I told you I named dog, Satan. He is learning as he heals from his own injuries. I wish mine were that simple.
OUT
Saturday, January 31, 2009
IN
We, dog and I are still digging the spring out. I have decided it is really not a spring by definition but a small underground stream, the water is clear and we are using it for our water source. Dog already knows not to drink directly from the stream, I have a bowl to the side for him. This is a pretty good cave itself, but with the water it is too damp to live in for long. The home cave is started but that is all.
I spend a couple hours a day training him. He is a mixed breed and learns very quickly. While with the Company, I worked with a dog handler and learned some of the techniques. Dog also is a problem. I have decided on a name, I am not sure my friend Father O’Shields will approve. I know that this dog can scare the devil out of a person, so I have decided to call him Satan. I need a name to train with, and Satan is working well. He has gained weight since his trauma, and is healing well. WE are bonding, as they say, very well.
OUT
We, dog and I are still digging the spring out. I have decided it is really not a spring by definition but a small underground stream, the water is clear and we are using it for our water source. Dog already knows not to drink directly from the stream, I have a bowl to the side for him. This is a pretty good cave itself, but with the water it is too damp to live in for long. The home cave is started but that is all.
I spend a couple hours a day training him. He is a mixed breed and learns very quickly. While with the Company, I worked with a dog handler and learned some of the techniques. Dog also is a problem. I have decided on a name, I am not sure my friend Father O’Shields will approve. I know that this dog can scare the devil out of a person, so I have decided to call him Satan. I need a name to train with, and Satan is working well. He has gained weight since his trauma, and is healing well. WE are bonding, as they say, very well.
OUT
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