IN:
I visited Father O’Shields yesterday. I love talking with him. A logical man. It doesn’t seem to bother him that I am not Catholic; I don’t feel I am anything right now. Just a floating soul. I feel better talking to him. He gladly accepts the butter and cheese we have extra. I hate for it to go to waste. He tries to cheer me up. He tells me he knows I am in a depression (he is able to think clinically). But he says if I keep seeking, something will shock, or ease me out of it. Trying to force it, as medically taught, doesn’t work too well according to Dr. O’shields. Yeah he has a doctorate also, I never thought of Fathers having a doctorate. He tries to get me into deep discussions, I can tell. He laughs and says he knows what I am doing. A visit with him does me good. I haven’t asked what he thinks about the boys and my deep attraction to them. Maybe one day.
OUT:
Friday, February 13, 2009
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
ok is is not spring, however...
IN:
Well I see by the date on my Grocery list this is still February. Isn’t this the month for Valentines’? I thought it was already Spring. The trees are budding around here. I think there a lot of dogwoods here. They will be pretty soon I am sure.
The word Valentine brings back some memories. I have never been married, always too busy. Looking back, no wonder I was such a good student, I was dedicated. No girl was going to stop me from reaching daddy’s goal for me.
There were a couple. One at Duke that set my heart on fire, but graduate studies would not allow me the luxury. I settled for the new Corvette from dad. He was so pleased with my doctorate, I was too. But after, I felt so hollow. She went on to marry a classmate. I went to the wedding and wished her well, but I think of her often. But bury yourself in work and you reach the top, and I did. You know what you hear; it is lonely at the top. It really is, if you do not have someone to share it with. Believe me dad’s do not count. I did not stay long on top. I had a friend, don’t we all. He went with the Company. Yeah we talked, I quit. Dad was pissed, to say the least. But I disappeared. Man was that the life.. wow.
OUT:
Well I see by the date on my Grocery list this is still February. Isn’t this the month for Valentines’? I thought it was already Spring. The trees are budding around here. I think there a lot of dogwoods here. They will be pretty soon I am sure.
The word Valentine brings back some memories. I have never been married, always too busy. Looking back, no wonder I was such a good student, I was dedicated. No girl was going to stop me from reaching daddy’s goal for me.
There were a couple. One at Duke that set my heart on fire, but graduate studies would not allow me the luxury. I settled for the new Corvette from dad. He was so pleased with my doctorate, I was too. But after, I felt so hollow. She went on to marry a classmate. I went to the wedding and wished her well, but I think of her often. But bury yourself in work and you reach the top, and I did. You know what you hear; it is lonely at the top. It really is, if you do not have someone to share it with. Believe me dad’s do not count. I did not stay long on top. I had a friend, don’t we all. He went with the Company. Yeah we talked, I quit. Dad was pissed, to say the least. But I disappeared. Man was that the life.. wow.
OUT:
Sunday, February 8, 2009
IN:
Sun is out, we finally figured how to put light in the cave. Well I guess I did, but Satan seemed to approve. I call it light tunnels. I bought a couple rolls of aluminum foil. hollowed two small cave-lettes just large enought to reach in and line the openings with foil. Amazing, it about like day light.
Spring must do something for SAtan also, his wounds are healed completely and he is turning into a wonderful friend. His training continues, he is an excellent watch dog. I was born with what some say was a silver spoon in my mouth, nothing pays for losing your mom though at an early age. I think this is a contest to see if I can make it. I know I am in a deep depressison, any GP could tell that. Seems I am up some days and down others. I can't figure why I am drawn to the boys so much. It is not a thrill to watch them, more like labor. Maybe this is how poor kids live, facing danger and do not know it. I expect they will be through the woods more now that the weather is breaking.
OUT:
Sun is out, we finally figured how to put light in the cave. Well I guess I did, but Satan seemed to approve. I call it light tunnels. I bought a couple rolls of aluminum foil. hollowed two small cave-lettes just large enought to reach in and line the openings with foil. Amazing, it about like day light.
Spring must do something for SAtan also, his wounds are healed completely and he is turning into a wonderful friend. His training continues, he is an excellent watch dog. I was born with what some say was a silver spoon in my mouth, nothing pays for losing your mom though at an early age. I think this is a contest to see if I can make it. I know I am in a deep depressison, any GP could tell that. Seems I am up some days and down others. I can't figure why I am drawn to the boys so much. It is not a thrill to watch them, more like labor. Maybe this is how poor kids live, facing danger and do not know it. I expect they will be through the woods more now that the weather is breaking.
OUT:
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Cold again
IN
Not too much to report, I still have the blahs. No sense in using medical terms, I think that is what I am avoiding. It is hard to follow blindly if you have a high intelligent quotient. I am not bragging but my IQ is off the scale, but that doesn't stop depression. I felt so locked in, my life was ordered for 24 hrs. a day. And losing it at the wrong time did not help a bit. You know, sometimes you just do not want to answer questions. I did all I could do, I thought at the time, but did I? I can't get away from that question. Was it the best I could do?
Something silly just occured to my mind, I wonder it one of the drivers in NASCAR who comes in second, loses sleep asking did he do his best. Silly, just wondered. I guess I will never ask one.
We are digging a little on the living cave, but it has turned cold again. At least I don't worry about the kids dropping by to disturb me, or endanger themselves. I think I told you I named dog, Satan. He is learning as he heals from his own injuries. I wish mine were that simple.
OUT
Not too much to report, I still have the blahs. No sense in using medical terms, I think that is what I am avoiding. It is hard to follow blindly if you have a high intelligent quotient. I am not bragging but my IQ is off the scale, but that doesn't stop depression. I felt so locked in, my life was ordered for 24 hrs. a day. And losing it at the wrong time did not help a bit. You know, sometimes you just do not want to answer questions. I did all I could do, I thought at the time, but did I? I can't get away from that question. Was it the best I could do?
Something silly just occured to my mind, I wonder it one of the drivers in NASCAR who comes in second, loses sleep asking did he do his best. Silly, just wondered. I guess I will never ask one.
We are digging a little on the living cave, but it has turned cold again. At least I don't worry about the kids dropping by to disturb me, or endanger themselves. I think I told you I named dog, Satan. He is learning as he heals from his own injuries. I wish mine were that simple.
OUT
Saturday, January 31, 2009
IN
We, dog and I are still digging the spring out. I have decided it is really not a spring by definition but a small underground stream, the water is clear and we are using it for our water source. Dog already knows not to drink directly from the stream, I have a bowl to the side for him. This is a pretty good cave itself, but with the water it is too damp to live in for long. The home cave is started but that is all.
I spend a couple hours a day training him. He is a mixed breed and learns very quickly. While with the Company, I worked with a dog handler and learned some of the techniques. Dog also is a problem. I have decided on a name, I am not sure my friend Father O’Shields will approve. I know that this dog can scare the devil out of a person, so I have decided to call him Satan. I need a name to train with, and Satan is working well. He has gained weight since his trauma, and is healing well. WE are bonding, as they say, very well.
OUT
We, dog and I are still digging the spring out. I have decided it is really not a spring by definition but a small underground stream, the water is clear and we are using it for our water source. Dog already knows not to drink directly from the stream, I have a bowl to the side for him. This is a pretty good cave itself, but with the water it is too damp to live in for long. The home cave is started but that is all.
I spend a couple hours a day training him. He is a mixed breed and learns very quickly. While with the Company, I worked with a dog handler and learned some of the techniques. Dog also is a problem. I have decided on a name, I am not sure my friend Father O’Shields will approve. I know that this dog can scare the devil out of a person, so I have decided to call him Satan. I need a name to train with, and Satan is working well. He has gained weight since his trauma, and is healing well. WE are bonding, as they say, very well.
OUT
Monday, January 26, 2009
IN
It is freezing here. We have been staying in the cave we have dug for the spring. It stays a constant 70- degrees. We had a sprinkling of snow. I will start on our house soon. Maybe tomorrow. It will be a cave also, but I hope to make a nice underground house. When that is all you have to do the digging goes good. I just dig and put the dirt in five gallon buckets and then scatter it around. I am building sort of a berm around our camp site with the dirt. A Lady once told me to keep busy with my hands and I could clear my mind. I have a long way to go but her advice it good. I met the lady by the rail road tracks. A man there sells apples, he keeps a fire going, nice to warm by. He gets his apples from the mountain orchards. I like the cooking apples best, I love a hard apple that cracks when you bite into it. I am enjoying this solitude. I hope I can sort out my feelings before I have to deal with someone from the Company. I know no one out there is reading, but I feel better.
OUT
It is freezing here. We have been staying in the cave we have dug for the spring. It stays a constant 70- degrees. We had a sprinkling of snow. I will start on our house soon. Maybe tomorrow. It will be a cave also, but I hope to make a nice underground house. When that is all you have to do the digging goes good. I just dig and put the dirt in five gallon buckets and then scatter it around. I am building sort of a berm around our camp site with the dirt. A Lady once told me to keep busy with my hands and I could clear my mind. I have a long way to go but her advice it good. I met the lady by the rail road tracks. A man there sells apples, he keeps a fire going, nice to warm by. He gets his apples from the mountain orchards. I like the cooking apples best, I love a hard apple that cracks when you bite into it. I am enjoying this solitude. I hope I can sort out my feelings before I have to deal with someone from the Company. I know no one out there is reading, but I feel better.
OUT
Monday, January 19, 2009
The company
IN (very cold)
The Company. You may or may not be familiar with your CIA. We that worked within the elite, just call it the Company. So yes, I was involved for a few short years with the ‘dark side’ of the Company, called Black Ops. They were illegal to a point, but every operation in which I participated was, in my opinion, absolutely necessary to preserve our way of life. My particular skills were in demand. And yes, I left under a cloud. Not in my opinion but I am sure theirs. BUT I just became sick and tired, distressed you might say. You work for something like the Company, you belong to them 24 hours a day seven days a week. I have always been a confirmed bachelor, so mostly it was no problem. But there are always errors and when they are yours they bear on your mind. I just need to get away. Oh, yes, they are definitely looking for me. But do you think they will look in a small cotton mill town. I don’t think so.
OUT
The Company. You may or may not be familiar with your CIA. We that worked within the elite, just call it the Company. So yes, I was involved for a few short years with the ‘dark side’ of the Company, called Black Ops. They were illegal to a point, but every operation in which I participated was, in my opinion, absolutely necessary to preserve our way of life. My particular skills were in demand. And yes, I left under a cloud. Not in my opinion but I am sure theirs. BUT I just became sick and tired, distressed you might say. You work for something like the Company, you belong to them 24 hours a day seven days a week. I have always been a confirmed bachelor, so mostly it was no problem. But there are always errors and when they are yours they bear on your mind. I just need to get away. Oh, yes, they are definitely looking for me. But do you think they will look in a small cotton mill town. I don’t think so.
OUT
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